Reality Use to Be a Friend of Mine

There was a time in my life when all things were serene; meaning my kids thought I was cool,they needed me, wanted me,and my life didnt seem as hectic. I may not of had as much material things as I do now, but it didnt seem to really matter.

Fourteen years and 6 months ago... I had a beautiful baby girl, much like this one:


I wanted a baby girl so bad, it was heart wrenching. My entire pregnancy I went through basically alone.

I was destined to be a single mom..which was fine by me because I was going to have a beautiful baby by my side.

Then it happened, she got a father that took care of her from the time she was a few weeks old til present... he has never looked back and has always been there for her.

I got my baby girl and its now 14 in half years later and reality is quickly setting in.



My sweet and innocent baby girl is turning into a hormonaly wrecked teenage woman that doesnt quite live in the reality that we do.

In her reality.. her parents are out to get her, we are mean and vicious...and our only purpose is to make her cry and make her life hell.

In my reality, we give her everything, keep her safe and do the best that we can with what we have. Sure we have disagreements..occasionally!

I did with my parents too...but Im pretty sure they werent out to make me cry on purpose or that they were "out to get me".

In her reality, everything should be like the "Brady Bunch" or like at her friends house (sorry Suzi) and its just not... we ARE a normal dysfunctional American family.

The truth is we are a blended family.. you dont notice the problems of blended families until the hormones kick in... then its..."your not my father"!!

That my friends is her reality, its my reality and it sucks BIG TIME!!

Holy Crud.. WE have one more girl to go through all this craptastic stuff with..yeah for us!!

If you feel the need, you can go ahead and order two of these for us:



Seriously though, you love your children unconditionally..we do, we always will, even through the rough spots.

I may need someone to send Lassie for help at some point...when we are deep in the well and cant get out!

Alcohol and Virtues

This ~phrase~ does crazy things to a girl.

Not the particular Bachlorette Party that I was in, but the one that was down the hall from us at the Mariott, was off the hook.

These girls were totally insane and I was actually afraid of them.

So, here is a quick recap of my Saturday night Bachlorette Party:

At the Shout House:



Much alcohol was consumed
Krisy got whip cream in her shot ring
Songs were sang
Krisy was brought up on stage and sung too
LeAnn got on stage and "got jiggy with it"
We all got on stage and "busted a move"
A good time was had by all

We left there to go to ......well, weren't real sure but were going to just arrive wherever.....and we by-passed a few gentlemen that were questioning whether or not the Good Lord would let us into Heaven because of the evils of alcohol and the virtues of "some" of us gals...
We arrived at the Annex and Lone Tree Bar:



More alcohol was purchased
The dance floor was immediately sought out
"Ass" shaking began
Smarmy characters were "afoot"
Questioning of the bouncer had to be done (curiosity)
More alcohol was purchased
Tana sucked an entire drink 12 oz down in 2.4 seconds, were checking into world records
Krisy got a Lemon Drop in her shot ring
More "ass" shaking
Bar closing, time to go

The walk back to the Marriott (2 blocks) seemed to take forever to some with sore feet.. so they removed their shoes... (they shall remain nameless)...once back to the hotel....and immediately hunger took over.

Pizza Lucia was ordered....yeah!! Pizza at 3 am is AWESOME!! (I believe some one got sick later)

We had some issues with our sleeping arrangements.. we had a bi-level suite at the Marriott and was suppose to have a pull out sofa.. there wasnt one and of course we realized that at 3:30 in the morning, trying to get an extra roll away at that time in the morning..is quite, interesting. Especially while most everyone was feeling "groovy"...

I think it was around 4ish by the time most of us got to bed....and then up at 9 or so....So yeah, it was a success!! The bride to be.. felt absolutely wonderful the next day! NOT!!

The Bachlorettes mission is complete!

Reason #6

~Today is the first day of the Minnesota State Fair~

Anyone that has ever been, knows, that you only go for a few reasons:

1. Foods that will be deep fried and on a stick
2. People watching
3. Cheese curds
4. Beer
5. Free stuff that you really dont want or need, but hey, its free crap
6. Concerts



Tonight...my lovely husband has bought us tickets to see 3 Doors Down.

Ive always liked 3 Doors Down... but I have to tell ya..

Im way more excited to see....






STAIND!!!!

I have loved them forever...Ohh yeah by the way, Im one of those odd gals that digs metal, rock and alternative music... I cant help it!

My tastes vary and some say are way out in left field somewhere, but I like what I like.... (maybe Ill do an Ode to QUEENSRYCHE one day)

Anyway, I think it will be great.

What a guy my hubby is!!!

Warts....WARTS!...warts

My poor little baby girl has been suffering for a few months now from nasty plantars warts, that just will not go away.

We have tried everything as parents do, to make them disappear, but they are stubborn little b%stards and just keep hanging around.

The poor thing has two on her hand: one on her finger and one on her palm and one her foot...and they are freak'n HUGE too...ohhh I feel so bad for her!

..and its amazing how they JUST appeared out of nowhere one day!

~wtf~


When they started to look like this, I called the doctor immediately and made an appointment to have them removed.



So, as of Monday...my Weeee Little Lassie will have to go to the Dr. and have them either frozen off with Liquid Nitrogen or surgically removed... it depends on how "awful" they are....

Yipppeeee!!!

That time once again..

..for another Joke by Taylor!



Since I have daughters, I thought this was especially cute... and even more so since one of them will be a freshman this year and spends countless hours in front of the mirror.

A number of grade 12 girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.
She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.




Well,these are my ever so beautiful girls, Halie and Randi. They are 14.5 and 9.5, those halves are so important.. until you are 34.5 like I am.. then who cares (not me)!!

So anyway, Halie will be a freshman and is signed up for drivers ed (scary) and Randi is going into the fourth grade (to which she has informed me, she already knows everything).

My husband and I have now decided that prescribed drugs from the doctor ARE good....

Yeah.. we're in trouble alright!!and Ive got a BIG stick handy!

Girls on Film...

I wanted to be fair, and show my Be'aches the same respect that the guys got yesterday in my blog...well actually,. I just didnt want them "gett'n all mad psycho and wind up wan'ta busta cap in my ass"... so I thought I exploite them here... (so now I MAYBE can sleep with BOTH eyes closed)



Beauty as we feel it is something indescribable;
what it is or what it means can never be said.
- George Santayana

I think that pretty much sums up Orley...She is beautiful! She has a great spirit, and a personality that sucks you in. She isnt in costume this year and she relishing every moment of it too.. can you blame her? Look at how heavy that monster costume has to be... holy crud.

Anywho, she is awesome to hang with, drink Vodka Red Bulls with and even get hit on at the 90's with (Hey,she got the phone number however).





Beauty is not caused. It is.
- Emily Dickinson

Linda is one of the most beautiful people I know, and she doesnt realize that she is.She is a hard working single mom that tries really hard, not to mention, she is funny as heck.

Seeing her spit pretzels at the Ratcatcher was truly priceless and the ginormous spider STILL kills me Linda..as Butch said, you made Mt. Dew squirt out of HIS nose... which is impressive!

You are on your way sister!!




It has been the office of art to educate the perception of beauty.
We are immersed in beauty but our eyes have no clear vision.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Marian is incredibly beautiful as well and can truly see the beauty and humor in almost everything, and for that I am grateful. I am SO glad, she decided to come back out this year. This IS the year for the women, hear us ROAR! Marian, you rock sister!

These are my gals... they have certainly became my friends, my sisters, my family...and I luv 'em dearly!!

Men in Tights

There are people in my life that dont quite understand my love for the Minnesota Renaissance Festival, so let me try to explain it.

WHY, do I really come out here.. it is NOT for the food, it is NOT because I like to get up at 5:45 am, it is NOT because I like to have black dirt up my nose and in my ears and places it was not intended...

So, why the heck do I go out there every weekend?





Reason #1: At the Minnesota Renaissance Festival, it gives me the opportunity to see some of the oddest, yet most creative outfits ever, for example: The Fairy Godfather.

Thanks to the Como Cottage for snapping this picture last year.










Reason#2: Well Carr certainly inspires me. Without Carr, I never would of been involved with this god-for-saken -incense burning -no shoe- wearing- kind -of -place to begin with or fallen in love with such a misfit crowd of entertainers.

So I "think" I am enternally grateful to him and am thusly inspired because hey, where else can you see your co-worker constantly bump and grind the picnic table like he is on Soul Train and be as obscene with a garbage bag as he is, without being escorted off the property.





Reason #3: This is a face that makes you want to keep coming back, just to see what in the hell Butch will come up with next.

He IS one of the funniest guys ever (not to mention he is covered with tattoos, hubba hubba) This is just for you Orley!











Reason 4: I know really REALLY cool people that do incredibly stupid things with fire!
One of the first reasons why I started coming back to the festival many years ago, was because of Johnny Phoenix (dont tell him that) and his act AT THE TIME was amazing and I was truly enamored by the whole thing.










Reason 5:Lastly, I know the King! It IS all in who you know.!!..!!

See, you thought, it was going to be because of the men wearing tights.. well there IS that.. but that is NOT the reason... ohhh no! The reasons are simple my friends, good times, good friends, memories to last forever..thats all!

There you are my friends..if you didnt understand before or were totally confused, hopefully you are really confused now and even more disturbed by my involvement.

The last four pictures were taken by Chris Nash (Master Aquarius)... and pulled from our MRF friends website... so thank you Chris.

Ghetto Mart

I had quite the experience today at lunch and I HAD to share. Keep in mind, that if I didnt absolutely love my eye doctor, I would NEVER step foot into this store...ever!!!



This store is a serious International Fashion Emergency episode waiting to happen,as soon as you pull into the parking lot (now I dont want to be judgemental) but good lord, I thought I was is Anoka for a minute....!!

The mullets, the wedgies, the mismatched colors, the tight rolled pants.. it was blinding, and no one speaks English or they speak broken English-and badly, and its Bloomington for petes sake.

Now, I ONLY go to this store to see my wonderful optometrist Dr. Hadden. He is so amazing to me, that I wouldnt dream of going anyplace else.

So, I go into to WalMart to order my contacts, and the one person I DONT want to be working, is of course working.. the older Russian lady named Natasia, of whom I can barely understand. She is a super nice gal, and she seems to be fluent enough in English, she just cant speak it clearly. Geez, I just hope she orders the correct contacts for me...hmmmpfh.

Anyway, the good Dr. was at lunch and I of course have to try and convince Natasia that I needed to leave Dr. Hadden a message about getting some samples until my contacts come in (which he always gives me). You would of thought I said: Stick "em Up! Give me all the money out of the register!!



It took some convincing, but I finally left him a message on a piece of recycled paper, and left. As I was walking out to the car, the little Merry-Go-Round was running and it only has three little horses on it, built big enough for 2-5 year olds, tops!! There had to 6 maybe 7, 10 year old little mexican girls on it having a great time. The funny part was, the Merry-Go-Round was not making "happy" music like usual.. the music it was making this time.. was one of strain. It was pitiful and Ohhhh so funny at the same time.

As I got into my car and started to get out of the parking lot and on my way out of Bloomington (Meatloafs Like a Bat Outta Hell suddenly came to Mind), I got a call on my cell phone. I answered it and on the other end was this very quite Russian voice,"Are you far away?" she asked.
Not a "hi", not a "how are you", not a "this is"... or anything.... but a "Are you far away?"
I of course quickly replied, "Um, no Im turning back into the parking-lot now, Ill be there in a minute."
"Good!Dr. gave you contacts,tray 1275" click!
Then there was silence......

How weird! So not only did I see bizarre clothing, even some camel toe (yes I said it), horrible dental plans, hairdo's from an un-known era...and the Russian lady kinda makes me laugh, then there was the miserable Merry-Go-Round..thats just good 'ol comedy right there. So if your feeling adventureous and need a "chuckle" ... take a drive to the Bloomington GhettoMart.. stop in a tell Dr. Hadden I said Hi.

The top 23!

So.. I totally missed "Jokes with Taylor" last week (sorry sweety cakes)... so, without making you wait any longer... here you go:







Taylors Top 23 Things you don't want to hear during surgery:

1. Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
2. "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness."
3. Bo! Bo! Come back with that. Bad dog!
4. Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
5. Hand me that... uh... that uh... that thingy there.
6. Oh no! Where's my Rolex.
7. Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived from 500 ml of this stuff before?
8. There go the lights again?
9. "Ya know, there's big money in kidneys? and this guy's got two of 'em."
10. Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
11. Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing off my concentration.
12. What's this doing here?
13. I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.
14. That's cool. Now can you make his leg twitch by pressing that one?!
15. Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
16. Sterile schmerile. The floor's clean, right?
17. OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.
18. This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?
19. Nurse, did this patient sign an organ donation card?
20. Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.
21. What do you mean "You want a divorce?!?"
22. FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!
23. Oh no! Page 47 of the manual is missing!


Umm, I believe that number two was one of our personal favorites. I think this should be repeated whenever handing reports over to your boss, paying a bill, serving food...you get the idea. Its really, the perfect saying!

Number 5, 11, 14 and 17 are my personal favorites.Im probably emotionally unstable and twisted deep down inside,actually Im sure of it.Im so glad a majority of everyone I know is just as unstable... when we are together, we seem normal.

Ewwwwwwwwww

I know, I know.. Ive been slacking on the posts this week....this is what happened:

I was walking by a building and heard a whimper coming from inside.. so I stopped to investigate the noise, the sound just didnt sound right to me, like something might be in pain.

As I attempted to find where the noise was coming from, I could hear the whimpering getting louder and louder... I could kind of see an image in the distance standing in the corner.

As I got a little closer, still being cautious.. (after all I didnt know what the heck I was dealing with) when all of a sudden, it became all too clear, and the pain was obvious.

I wanted to cry... I felt breaking down.. and falling to my knees and asking the good lord "WHY, Ohh why lord, WHY allow such things to happen....w h y ??"

What I saw that day, will forever change my life.... take a look!



The next time you think, that you are having a bad day, and need to get a haircut...I ask you, beg you PLEASE think about what it will do to me IF I have to go through this pain again..... I cant take it I tell you.... the mullet needs to die.

I just cant do it again... shiver shiver